3 Rules of Empathy That People With High Emotional Intelligence Live By
By Nick Hobson
Emotional intelligence (EQ) is often regarded as the distinguishing factor in leading to success. This is true across different domains including all types of business, leadership, politics, education, science, and even family and social life.
General intelligence (g or IQ) is table stakes for what you need to reach basic "success." Beyond that, however, EQ trumps IQ any day of the week. It's the X factor that separates the exceptional from the ordinary. This is especially true in today's human world of work and leadership.
One of the biggest components of emotional intelligence: empathy. High EQ people know what empathy is, what it isn't, and where its limits lie.
They see what's different about empathy
Empathy is a unique psychological state. It's differentiated from its sister state sympathy. Sympathy is merely the act of "feeling sorry" for another person. Empathy is much more interesting: It's a suite of mental processes that allows a person to recognize emotional states in others, to experience an exact match of the precise emotions and sensations felt by them, for the reason of wanting to alleviate the pain and suffering of that person.
Being empathetic means, that if a person is anxious about an upcoming performance, then you're also anxious. You share in their anxiety. An emotionally intelligent person knows the unique properties of empathy.
They appreciate the various types of empathy
Empathy is represented at multiple levels in the brain and body. There are two types. The first is emotional empathy. This is the ancient, hardwired type of empathy that resides deep in the limbic regions of the brain. It's the "hot" form of empathy that happens unconsciously.
The second is cognitive empathy. This is the ancestrally "newer" form of empathy, which is unique to humans (many other nonhuman animals possess the more primitive emotion form). This newer type of empathy is a conscious deliberate choice -- what's often called perspective taking.
The fullest empathic response recruits both emotional and cognitive empathy. High EQ people realize this and nurture both.
They are aware of the limits of empathy
Complete empathy is by no means a panacea. Simply having more empathy, all the time, isn't the answer. Yale psychologist, Paul Bloom, argues that a sense of too much empathy can be "parochial and bigoted," resulting in "the world caring more about a little girl stuck in a well than they do about the possible death of millions and millions due to climate change." Not to mention that taking on people's anxieties (Point 1 above) can become an emotional burden.
There's a time for emotional empathy, and a time for more rational, emotion-free decision making. Emotionally intelligent people appreciate the limits of empathy, putting it to use when the situation calls for it. Mina Cikera of Harvard calls this the strategic regulation of empathy. According to Cikera, this understanding "tailors empathy to help people realize their social, emotional, and occupational goals."