Emotionally Intelligent People Use 3 Short Questions to Stop Arguing, Start Listening, and Strengthen Their Relationships

To start listening, you have to stop arguing, first. These three short questions will help you rein in your feelings—and turn emotional into emotionally intelligent.

By Justin Bariso

That’s a challenge a reader recently shared with me. Here’s what she wrote: 

“I have a bad habit of getting into arguments. I feel an intense need to make people understand and believe what I say. I can easily spend hours trying to prove myself right, which harms my relationships.

“How do I listen without speaking? How do I calm down, resist the urge to react, and be more respectful?”

To truly start listening, you must stop arguing, first. As an emotional intelligence author and coach, I’ve discovered three short questions that can help you reign in your feelings in heated moments—and turn emotional into emotionally intelligent. (Enjoy this article? Consider signing up for my free emotional intelligence course.)

2 questions to stop arguing

Thanks for taking the time to share your story. I’m sorry to hear of all your challenges.

One thing to remember: Emotional intelligence, like general intelligence, is goal-oriented. 

That means, if your emotions are getting in the way of your goals, then they are harmful, not helpful. That’s why I say make emotions work for you, not against you.

One thing you can try: Whenever you feel your emotions getting charged, ask yourself two questions:

1. What is my ultimate goal here?

2. Are my emotions helping or hindering me from achieving that goal?

For example, there are times you may want to prove that you are right.

But then, you ask yourself:

“What’s my goal here? Hmm. Well, my goal is to have a good relationship with this person.”

If that’s the case, you may decide it’s not important at all to prove you’re right. So, you may focus on letting the other person have their way.

Or, maybe it is important for your relationship for you to be right in this sense. 

Still, it’s not going to help to insist to the other person that you’re right. Why not? Because they think they’re right, and they want you to understand them.

That’s really what we’re all craving: Understanding.

So, in those cases it’s important to understand that you can show empathy for the person without saying they’re right.

Why? We could sum it up using a powerful five-word phrase.

Empathy does not equal agreement

I learned this phrase from Chris Voss, the former lead kidnap negotiator for the FBI and one of the world’s most recognized experts on negotiation, when I interviewed him in connection with my first book, EQ Applied.

Voss had to build rapport and negotiate with terrorists and criminals. He couldn’t agree with them—at least, not with what they were doing or how they were doing it. But he could understand them. And, make them feel that they were understood.

What’s the lesson for you?  

You probably won’t have to negotiate with criminals and terrorists. Still, it can be very hard to show empathy when you and your conversation partner are on opposite sides of the argument. But if you remind yourself of this powerful truth, that empathy does not equal agreement, you can focus on listening and understanding your conversation partner.

To help you do that, here’s a third question you can employ:

How can I relate to how this person feels, even if I don’t agree with their position?

By asking this question, you focus on finding common ground and building rapport. Instead of building a wall, you start building a bridge.

So, the next time you find yourself arguing instead of listening, ask yourself three questions:

1. What’s my goal here?

2. Are my emotions helping or hindering me from reaching my goal?

3. How can I relate to the person’s feelings, even if I don’t agree?

It’s not easy. It takes time and practice. But keep at it, and you’ll slowly start to reprogram your response, go from arguing to listening, and build stronger relationships in the process.