It was early in my journey as a facilitator, and I was leading a development workshop on navigating your career to a room of seasoned leaders. I had only facilitated a few times before, and if I’m honest, I was more focused on keeping the energy up and making a good impression. I’d nailed a joke, tossed out another, and felt a surge of pride when the whole room burst into laughter.

Matt Dailey, a software engineer for a data management company, was managing a team with an engineer who wasn’t performing well. This was clear to Dailey—and to the employee. Yet, as I describe in my new book Mastering Community, Dailey said he “wasn’t bridging the gap of how to make the situation better.” His team missed their deadline.

I am about to show you that most managers have some mistaken beliefs about the best kind of feedback to give their direct reports. In a survey we shared on Harvard Business Review of 7,631 managers, my colleague Joe Folkman and I asked whether they believed that giving negative feedback was stressful or difficult, and 44% agreed. When talking with managers about giving feedback, we often hear comments such as, “I did not sleep the night before,” “I just wanted to get it over quickly,” “My hands were sweating, and I was nervous,”