Emotionally Intelligent People Use 3 Simple Phrases to Stop Passive-Aggressive Behavior, Get Respect, and Strengthen Their Relationships
The best leaders learn how to use the power of positive self-talk to change their behavior and build trust.
by Justin Bariso
What’s the voice inside your head saying?
Most of us have an inner dialogue, that little voice in our heads that crystallizes what we think about what’s happening around us, or to us. And for years, researchers have found benefits to using positive self-talk, that is, optimistic and encouraging phrases that help you reframe the way you view a situation.
For example, when a group of researchers systematically analyzed 47 studies on the relationship between self-talk and performance, they concluded that self-talk interventions were effective in helping athletes increase performance and in helping other participants to concentrate and focus. Great leaders in business are also adept at this.
How can you start using positive self-talk to help guide your internal dialogue?
I’ve shared many strategies through the years, but here are three of my favorites. They focus on strengthening relationships by teaching you to:
Stop using passive-aggressive behavior
Be respectful with others
Manage your perfectionism
Let’s take a closer look at each of these and see how you can use them. (If you enjoy this article, consider signing up for my free emotional intelligence course.)
How to stop using passive-aggressive behavior
I don’t like to admit this, but I have a tendency to be passive-aggressive.
Maybe you’re the same—or you know someone who struggles with this habit. The type of person who does one or more of the following:
Saying they’re OK when they aren’t
Pouting
Giving the silent treatment
Agreeing to do something, and then not following through
Responding with sarcasm
To help myself curb these tendencies, I use positive self-talk. Namely, I remind myself of a brilliant six-word phrase I learned in a presentation I heard a few years ago:
Attack the problem. Not the person.
When I get passive-aggressive, I’m trying to cope with feelings of disappointment or frustration. But this phrase helps remind me that my coping mechanism is harming my relationship with another person.
Instead, I need to pivot to a more active solution, by speaking directly to the person about what’s bothering me.
But how do you do that without making the other person feel attacked? That’s where the next phrase comes in.
How to be respectful
If you struggle with confrontation like me, it can be hard to tell others exactly how you feel, especially when you feel hurt, disappointed, or frustrated. In these times, it’s especially important to remember that respect begets respect.
How do you do that? Use your inner dialogue to remind yourself of another simple phrase:
It’s not what you say; it’s how you say it.
Research supports this. For example, over 50 years ago psychologist Albert Mehrabian demonstrated that tone of voice and body language like facial expressions communicate more about how we feel than the actual words we use.
Before I engage in one of those difficult conversations, I remind myself that I need to convey my thoughts and feelings in a way that’s calm and solution-oriented. This includes deciding when and where to have the conversation, so that we’re both comfortable and in a peaceful frame of mind.
And remembering that most of the time, the tone I use to express myself is the one that will be reflected back at me.
How to manage your perfectionism
Over the years, I’ve also identified another trait I struggle with: perfectionism.
If you’re like me, your inclination to micromanage everything doesn’t just hurt your work, it hurts your relationships with others—because it makes them feel like you don’t trust them, or that you feel they’re not capable.
To help you combat this, try to remind yourself that your team’s work is never truly a finished product. Rather, view it as:
Work in progress.
This is important to acknowledge because no matter how good a project is at a given point in time, if you look at it again in a year, or a month, or at times, even a week, you’ll likely find something you want to change.
Self-talk at work
You can imagine how frustrating that is for those you work with. But if your work remains “in progress,” then it’s OK to move forward if it’s not perfect. Because it will never be perfect. There will always be something to change, and that opportunity will always exist.
That makes you easier to work with, and at the same time satisfies your desire to continually improve.
So, if you want to curb your passive-aggressive behavior, get more respect, and stop being such a perfectionist, remember these three phrases:
1. Attack the problem. Not the person.
2. It’s not what you say. It’s how you say it.
3. Work in progress.
Do this right, and you’ll utilize the power of self-talk to strengthen your relationships. At work and in your personal life.