4 Habits of Especially Friendly People

By Art Markman

An occupational hazard of being a psychologist is that I watch people a lot. I’m also a vice provost at UT Austin and, as we reach the end of the fall semester, there are a lot of holiday parties that I attend at work. I’ve noticed that a lot of people who go to these parties find a few others they know and engage in conversations. But others seem to be great connectors: They engage with many of the people in attendance, generate conversations, and make them feel welcome.

There is a real skill at being friendly in these settings. Your friendliness affects the morale of a whole group. This ability becomes particularly important when you move into leadership roles. Leaders need to be effective at working a room and giving their time to others.

Fortunately, you can develop new habits to be more friendly. Here are four things that friendly people tend to do well.

INITIATE ENGAGEMENTS

One of the central things that friendly people do is to take the initiative in social situations. They walk up to new people and introduce themselves. They seek out people in a group who don’t appear to be connected to anyone else and start a conversation. They look to make sure that everyone feels included at a gathering.

You can develop this habit without having to go too far outside of your comfort zone. Being friendly does not necessarily mean putting yourself at the center of a large group of people. You can walk up to a single person and start a conversation. It really is as simple as saying hello, introducing yourself, and asking a question about the person. That often creates an opening for a pleasant conversation.

Although starting a conversation with someone else may feel like an intrusion, there is evidence that engaging in a conversation with a random person on a plane or train ends up creating a positive experience for everyone (even though most people think that they would prefer to be left alone in those settings).

ACCEPT AWKWARDNESS

Many people avoid engaging with others in social settings, because they feel awkward or have some social anxiety. They are concerned that they will say the wrong thing and someone else will not like them or that they will inadvertently insult someone else.

In this case, your anxiety inflates the actual risk. Most people focus on the intent of a conversation and do not focus on the specific words someone uses. You may fear that you have said something the wrong way, but the person you’re talking to probably didn’t even notice the way you phrased it. This fear may also prevent you from complimenting other people.

In order to get better at engaging in these conversations, just accept that you are likely to feel a awkward and maybe even anxious. That anxiety may continue even after the event as you look back on things you said to people. But, if you pay attention to the outcomes you create, you will discover that the fears you have about these social interactions do not come to pass; instead, you and your conversation partners have fun in the moment and you may even develop a relationship with a new person.

BRING ENERGY

When you do engage in a conversation with someone else, there is a natural tendency for both of you to mirror each other. Watch people talking at a party, and you’ll see that their body language, facial expressions, and even the pitch of their voices tend to be similar.

That means you have some control over the way a conversation goes. If you greet someone with a smile and bring some energy and enthusiasm to the discussion, you are likely to be greeted with energy and a smile. You may have to remind yourself at first to create that positive vibe, but after you get the conversation started, it will sustain itself, because you’ll be able to respond to what your conversation partner is doing.

RESERVE JUDGMENT

Of course, not every conversation you have is with someone you don’t know well. You also have colleagues you see frequently and you want to maintain a friendly relationship with them, as well. The problem is there may be some colleagues you don’t like very much. Perhaps they have treated you badly in the past or failed to come through on a commitment.

It is useful to have a short memory for the slights and shortcomings of your colleagues when it comes to your day-to-day interactions with them. That doesn’t mean that you should instantly trust them to come through on new projects. But, it does mean that you shouldn’t allow any frustrations you may have with them influence your interactions with them in the moment.