I’ve Coached Hundreds of Leaders. Those Who Grow Do This 1 Uncomfortable Thing Repeatedly
New research suggests leadership skills are built through productive struggle and exposure to real-world pressure.
By Marcel Schwantes
I’ve coached hundreds of leaders and managers. So when a new client signs up for coaching with me, I often hear things like these:
“I want to communicate better.”
“I want to handle conflict more skillfully.”
“I want to know how to get the best out of people.”
I’ve heard these a million times. It’s usually a desire to address blind spots and, hopefully, develop the right soft skills to address performance issues.
I nod and smile. But deep down, I know many of these leaders and managers are not going to cut it, regardless of how much coaching they get. That is, unless they’re willing to do the hard work.
Here’s the problem I see. Leaders often pursue soft skills development in ways that keep them comfortable. They read books, attend conferences, listen to podcasts. Some may complete assessments, while others will take in a few webinars.
These experiences can expand their knowledge and teach them some new tricks. They can make leaders more self-aware. They can even inspire them to change. But knowing and learning more about leadership, soaking up more information, and taking in more leadership “edutainment” do not necessarily make us better leaders.
Leadership skills are developed by doing, not merely by knowing
If you’re a CEO really serious about your managers’ development, real growth for them happens when they practice difficult behaviors under meaningful pressure.
That is the central argument made by leadership researchers Jim Detert and Stephanie McKee in their paper “Pedagogy of Practice: Toward Better Understanding of the Development of Leadership Skills.”
The authors argue that leadership development needs more “desirable difficulty” —experiences that stretch leaders beyond their current abilities without overwhelming them. In simpler terms: If development never makes your leaders and managers uncomfortable, it probably isn’t changing them very much.
They cite evidence that leadership development that combines learning with doing is substantially more effective, and argue that leaders develop skills by trying, failing, adjusting, and trying again—not simply by reading, discussing, or observing.
The environment is important. Leaders need to put themselves in situations where they can make mistakes, ask for help, and receive feedback without humiliation from those above them. Sure, they need to feel safe. But safety should not eliminate the struggle. They need discomfort, frustration, and uncertainty to grow.
Consider the leadership moments that matter most:
Addressing an employee who is not performing.
Telling a respected colleague a difficult truth.
Receiving feedback you don’t agree with.
Responding to an emotional team member.
Speaking up when more powerful people want you to remain silent.
Remaining composed when your decision is challenged.
You cannot develop these abilities by discussing them in a lunch-and-learn. You have to practice them in conditions that begin to resemble the real thing.
Start with self-awareness
Insight gathered from data in workplace and leadership surveys is certainly valuable, but insight to gain self-awareness is only the beginning. Leaders may understand that they avoid conflict when they get the results from that unwanted 360-degree feedback. They may know that their defensiveness shuts people down, or that their controlling nature creates fear.
Awareness tells you what needs to change. But it’s practice, practice, practice that teaches you how to change it. That requires admitting a shortcoming and then attempting the behavior, receiving useful feedback, adjusting, and trying again.
Move to action
Let’s do a thought experiment. Choose one leadership behavior you know you need to strengthen or address to overcome a blind spot.
Not a broad goal like “become a better communicator.” Choose something observable:
“I will address underperformance directly.”
“I will stop becoming defensive and gain more perspective when challenged.”
“I will say what needs to be said when tension rises.”
Then practice it deliberately. Get uncomfortable.
Detert and McKee stress the importance of starting with a moderately difficult situation once you understand what you fear or are avoiding. For example, someone afraid of conflict shouldn’t necessarily jump in by confronting the CEO in a board meeting. It has to be a gradual increase in difficulty. So, start smaller. Here’s what I suggest, with each level increasing the degree of difficulty:
Level 1: Express a respectful disagreement with a colleague.
Level 2: Give difficult feedback to a direct report.
Level 3: Challenge a peer whose behavior is creating problems.
Level 4: Raise an uncomfortable issue with a senior executive.
You can also enlist the help of a coach, trusted peer, or colleague to role-play it with you. Invite honest feedback. Repeat the conversation. Introduce a more resistant or emotional response. Practice until you can stay clear, calm, confident, and grounded without retreating into your usual habits.
Then use the behavior in a real situation and review what happened. You may want to self-assess afterward. For example, what did you avoid? When did your emotions take over? What worked, and what will you do differently next time?
My challenge to you
This week, identify one conversation you have been avoiding because it makes you uncomfortable. Prepare for the conversation. Rehearse it with someone you trust. Then have the real conversation.
Your next level of leadership will not come from another comfortable insight. It will come from practicing becoming who you want to be in difficult moments.