Feedback has the power to motivate and improve performance, but it often backfires. Instead of sparking growth, it can trigger defensiveness or lead to silence. Some people soften their words so much that the message gets lost. Others stay quiet entirely, fearing conflict. Introverts often tell me they leave meetings thinking, “I wish I had said something,” because they prefer to process before speaking. Extraverts tend to speak while thinking and later say, “I wish I hadn’t said that.” In both cases, feedback is challenging.

When providing feedback, we often stand in judgment of others, seeking to impart wisdom or tell others what to do. If we instead frame feedback as an invitation to solve problems collaboratively, we’ll often find that we achieve better short-term results while bolstering our relationship with others over the long term.

Fabian was feeling anxious as he left the leadership training course. He knew what he had to do, and yet he didn’t know how to actually do it. Fabian had been promoted up through the ranks of a global construction firm, starting in 1994 out of his university as part of a rotational management program.