How to Give Constructive Feedback, According to a Stanford Business School Lecturer
By Matt Abrahams
When providing feedback, we often stand in judgment of others, seeking to impart wisdom or tell others what to do. If we instead frame feedback as an invitation to solve problems collaboratively, we’ll often find that we achieve better short-term results while bolstering our relationship with others over the long term.
WHY IT MATTERS
When we focus on telling others what we think, we risk establishing or perpetuating a power dynamic that prevents others from really hearing us. By positioning ourselves as authoritative judges of others, we speak from on high, putting the recipients of feedback in the position of passively listening. In a best-case scenario, we convey the information we want but miss a chance to work collaboratively. Worse, we risk putting the feedback recipient on the defensive, coming across as rigid, punishing, or demanding.
When we regard feedback as an invitation to solve a problem to- gether, we shift the dynamics of the conversation. Instead of inducing a defensive reaction, we can establish a shared sense of ownership, openness, and accountability. We’re no longer directing others, telling them what to do. Rather, we’re huddling with them on the same level, working as a team to improve what we’re doing or how we’re behaving. Proceeding on this basis, we stand a far better chance of spurring real progress and strengthening-not weakening-our relationships.
CRAFT YOUR CONTENT
A useful structure for providing feedback in the moment that is both inviting and collaborative is something I call the “4 I’s”:
Information: First, provide concrete, specific observations of the action or approach about which you will be providing feedback.
Impact: Second, explain the effect the action or approach has on you.
Invitation: Third, extend a collaboration request to address the action or approach on which you are providing feedback.
Implications: Fourth, detail the positive and/or negative consequences for adopting or not adopting the changes you are suggesting.
Cover each of these “I’s” in turn and you can present a clear, constructive message that hopefully will invite a positive future outcome.
STEP #1: PROVIDE INFORMATION
Begin your remarks by presenting objective observations about the other person or their work. As difficult as it might be, leave out any emo- tion on your part-stick to facts that are readily evident and verifiable.
Examples:
If you’re a boss giving feedback to a direct report who was late in submitting a recent report, you might say, “As you may have seen, your report on our customers’ NPS scores was late and didn’t make it into our board deck for the upcoming board meeting.”
If you’re a teacher giving feedback to a student, you might say, “You earned an A on your first exam but C-minuses on your last two.”
Be sure to delineate what you’re not going to discuss. In the first ex- ample, you might say, “I’d like to talk to you today about the timeliness of your report, not its quality.” In the second, “Your in-class participation is great, but I’d like us to discuss the effort you’re putting in on your exams.” By scoping the conversation this way, you help both the recipient and yourself to focus.
STEP #2: EXPLAIN THE IMPACT
With salient facts on the table, explain your thoughts and feelings about the change you wish to see in the other person’s work or behavior. Speak directly using the first-person singular (for example, “I think” or “I feel”). You want to own your thoughts and feelings, since that will allow you to demonstrate the issue’s importance to you. Taking full responsibility for your reaction also will help to re- duce the defensiveness and sense of being blamed that the other person may feel.
Examples:
“I know the board is unclear on the customer satisfaction progress that we’ve made in the last quarter, and I fear we may have missed an opportunity to show board members how our initiatives paid off.”
“I worry that you’re not meeting the goals we established this semester, and I’m concerned that you might not get a final grade for the course that will set you up for admission to your favorite colleges.”
When framing the problem that you must discuss and solve, be explicit about why it matters. Direct reports might not understand how their work fits into a bigger picture, and all team members will benefit from a clear message about the importance of what they’re doing. A student might not have the experience or background to understand how their failure to take their studies seriously might impact their future success.
STEP #3: EXTEND AN INVITATION
Make a request of the other person, one that is specific and concise and that if honored will lead to the change or improvement you seek. You can frame this request as a question to encourage deeper participation or as a declarative sentence that better evokes the direction of your collaboration.
Examples:
“How can we ensure that your report gets submitted to the CEO’s chief of staff before the deadline?” or “I encourage you to get your report to the CEO’s chief of staff twenty-four hours before the board meeting presentation deck deadline.”
“How might we work together to ensure that you’re better pre- pared for the next exam?” or “I need you to attend my Friday tutoring session prior to the next exam.”
Word choice matters in all communication, and especially when providing feedback. Using “we” and posing a question puts both of you on the same level, establishing the desired change as the result of a joint effort. It affords the recipient of feedback a bit of agency or autonomy in resolving the situation. You’re implying that their perspective matters, too-it’s a part of the solution to be welcomed, not a part of the problem to be shunted aside.
Likewise, framing the invitation declaratively instead of posing a question can help clarify or accentuate your invitation. This directness might be especially appropriate if you have provided feedback on this issue before or are pressed for time.
STEP #4: DETAIL THE IMPLICATIONS
Finally, lay out what will happen if the other person chooses either to comply or reject the feedback. You can provide positive, negative, or combined consequences.
Examples:
“By ensuring the NPS scores are in the board deck, we’ll demonstrate our commitment to our customers and high- light the important work your team does.” Or: “If the board doesn’t see the NPS scores in their deck, they’re likely to question our commitment to our customer satisfaction OKR, and they might choose to restructure our customer services organization.”
“Getting an A on your next exam will mean that you’ll receive an A-minus for your final grade. Think of how good you will feel finishing the quarter that way.” Or: “If we don’t find a way for you to improve your test scores, you might find it hard to get into your favorite college.”
REFINE YOUR REMARKS
Keeping the 4 I’s handy when we deliver feedback on the fly can make our comments crisper, cleaner, and more collaborative. But how precisely we execute on the 4 I’s matters, too. Here are some tips to keep in mind:
TIP #1: PREPARE
If we’re entering a situation where we think we might have to deliver feedback, we can hone our message by asking questions of ourselves beforehand:
• Why might the person behave in ways we don’t like?
• What do we gain or lose by giving feedback-or by refrain- ing from giving it?
• What behavior would we like to see?
When we begin a conversation in which we’re delivering feedback, we might inquire what level or type of feedback the person would benefit from or want. Doing so not only allows us to focus our remarks; it shows that we hope to engage collaboratively. We might also ask our- selves whether our feedback is likely to help. If not, we might decide at the last moment not to offer it. For example, when a colleague shares his frustration about a meeting we both attended, I can check in first and ask if he is looking for support and advice or a catharsis. Understanding his needs in the moment, help me to determine how best to respond.
When my wife asks me for feedback on something she has done, she often winds up giving me “constructive” ideas for how I might better deliver my feedback. I tend to offer suggestions and provide alternatives when sharing my impressions. She would prefer that I focus on how she is feeling. As a result, I now make a practice of asking her what type of feedback she most desires before sharing my opinions.
TIP #2: BE TIMELY
We can achieve much better results with feedback that is timely, whether given spontaneously or not. When a person has done some- thing that calls for feedback, we should speak up as soon after the offending behavior has occurred as possible. Of course, we also must allow time for strong emotions we might feel to settle. Choose the first occasion in which you can deliver feedback calmly and effectively. If for some reason you can’t give feedback right after the offending event has occurred, try at least to alert the person(s) involved that you would like to chat very soon about what transpired. Putting a “pin” on this event will alert them to remember this moment.
TIP #3: RESPECT THE CONTEXT
An important caveat about timely feedback is to remember that the setting for providing the feedback also matters. Are we in the right place to deliver feedback and achieve our desired impact? Is it a good time given what else the recipient is experiencing or dealing with at the moment?
People often best receive feedback when everyone involved is prepared and in the right mental and physical place to hear it. We might encounter a friend or colleague in a crowded public venue and feel tempted to deliver feedback. If the subject at hand is serious, that might not be such a good idea. Perhaps they’re distracted with other tasks. Perhaps they would feel more comfortable speaking privately. Perhaps they’re having a bad day and can’t engage with you calmly and thoughtfully-you’ve arrived at a “non teachable moment,” as veteran volleyball coach Ruben Nieves calls it.1 Perhaps the feedback’s unexpected arrival makes it difficult for them to receive it.
When we think about context, we also should aim to deliver feedback in person if possible rather than in virtual settings. It can be more challenging to deliver feedback effectively online, in writing, or on the phone, since we can’t always cue in to how others are receiving what we’re saying, nor can we do much to tailor the setting to the message we wish to deliver.
TIP #4: ADOPT THE RIGHT TONE
The precise tone we use can dramatically change the meaning of feed- back we give using the 4 I’s. Let’s say a colleague has arrived ten min- utes late for a meeting for the third time. Applying the 4 I’s, we might say: “Hey, I noticed you’re ten minutes late. This is the third time that’s happened. I feel you’re not prioritizing this meeting in the same way that I am. Are there ways that we can work together to help you be here on time so that we won’t be late in completing our project?”
To add urgency, we might adopt a sterner tone in applying the 4 I’s, something like “You were ten minutes late to our meeting. I feel you’re not prioritizing this meeting appropriately. I need you to arrive ten minutes early to the next meeting. If you don’t, we might have to remove you from the team.”
Notice the differences. The first rendition takes a collaborative tone because we’re asking a question and offering to participate in the solution. In the second rendition, our feedback is a sharp declaration that also comes across as harsher because we point to negative implications arising from a failure to comply. Knowing that tone mat- ters and that we can influence our tone in the moment can help us to convey our message more clearly.
TIP #5: STAY BALANCED
In every spontaneous encounter, we shouldn’t strive merely to offer critical feedback but positive feedback as well. Before launching into the 4 I’s, you may benefit from saying something positive about the recipient. Leading with a positive comment not only reinforces that you find value in the recipient and their efforts; it also will likely increase their receptivity to your constructive feedback. Of course, others should perceive your praise as roughly similar in importance as your constructive feedback. Praising someone on their outfit and then informing them that the quality of their work is deficient might come across as awkward, forced, or disingenuous. You would do better instead to praise them for real contributions they’ve made, such as raising important questions in a recent meeting or continuing to support the company’s new hires.
TIP #6: MONITOR EMOTIONS
As we provide feedback, we should pay close attention to the way the recipient is responding. If they become defensive, emotional, or dis- tracted, we must adjust our message. Likewise, we can attend to our own emotional state during the conversation. Are we becoming too heated to communicate effectively? Might we dial up or down the emotional content of what we’re saying to convey our ideas more effectively? If the situation starts to become emotionally charged, consider acknowledging the emotions without naming them and then return- ing to more objective matters. It can be risky to name emotions. If I observe that you seem upset, you might reply, “No, I’m not-I’m frustrated.” We end up debating the emotional state instead of focusing on solving the problem at hand. To acknowledge emotions without naming them, you might say something like “I can hear in your voice how important this is to you. I know we can find a good solution by focusing on a clear schedule.”
TIP #7: STAY FOCUSED
We might have multiple pieces of feedback to deliver in the moment, not just one. A good rule of thumb: less is more. Beware of drowning the recipient in too much feedback, as they might have trouble absorb- ing any of it. What are the one or two changes we’d most like to see the other person make or the one or two most important things you want them to know? Focus on those and leave additional feedback for another time.
APPLICATION IN ACTION
The following three scenarios evoke the variety of different spontaneous feedback situations you might find yourself in, including situations in which others ask for feedback from you and those in which you find it necessary to give feedback to others because of behavior you’re witnessing. I’ve also tried to suggest how you might respond in situations where you possess more or less power or status than the other person. In all of these situations, you have several levers at your disposal, including word choice, how you frame invitations (as questions, suggestions, or declarations), and where or in front of whom you deliver the feedback. The more comfortable you become with the 4 I’s, the more you’ll be able to focus on these levers to communicate with appropriate nuance.
SCENARIO #1
Your colleague calls you over and asks you to review an email they plan to send to a prospective client. The email as written is vague and confusing.
A POSSIBLE RESPONSE:
“I notice that your email is three paragraphs long and does not end with a clear request [Information]. I feel that you could be more concise [Impact]. I have two suggestions: (1) remove the summary of your last meeting and simply put a link to the meeting notes and (2) put your desired action in the email subject line [Invitation)]. By making these changes, I think the prospect will be more likely to respond quickly [Implication].”
SCENARIO #2
Whenever your boss presents to your team, he tends to focus on and favor the input of men on your team over women. This makes many of the women feel uncomfortable, impacting their morale.
A POSSIBLE RESPONSE:
“I just wanted to bring to your attention that when you asked for input today, you only called on men and did not allow women raising their hands to speak [Information]. I fear this is sending a message to the women on my team that you don’t value their work as much as that of the men [Impact]. Are there things I can do to help you involve the women on my team more? [In- vitation] If we can address this issue, I think you’ll find that all of my team members have useful insights that will help us solve the specific challenges you bring to my team [Implication].”
SCENARIO #3
You and your child are attending a social event. Other guests are mingling and getting to know one another, yet your child is engrossed in their phone and not engaged.
A possible response:
“You were looking down at your phone and didn’t respond to the last two people who greeted you [Information]. I feel it’s impolite for you not to be involved with the people around you [Impact]. Please silence your phone and put it away for the next ten to fifteen minutes [Invitation]. If you do continue to be on your phone, I will have to take it away from you until we get home [Implication].”
PARTING THOUGHT
In recent years, I’ve helped to advise a Stanford Ph D student who went on to teach communications at an Ivy League school. “Alice” and I developed a great relationship, collaborating in a number of ways. Soon after she began teaching, Alice called to say that she was very upset: she received her first batch of student evaluations, and they were poor. Although students appreciated the value of what she was teaching, they felt that she was throwing too much dense material at them. Alice wanted my feedback: Should she take her students’ criticisms to heart? And what did I think about how she was reacting to their negative evaluations?
Applying the 4 I’s structure in the moment, I pointed out that on her syllabus she had many assignments and readings due at once, and that many of her due dates fell on Mondays, which meant her students likely needed to work a lot on the weekends (Information). I further observed that with some simple adjustments, she could tweak her syllabus to conform better to her students’ schedules. I shared with her that she need not feel threatened by negative responses from students (Impact). Encouraging her to problem-solve, I provided my syllabus as an example of how she might better time the due dates of her assignments (Invitation). Finally, I suggested that if she acted upon her students’ feedback, she would likely be able to improve her teaching, leading to better evaluations later on (Implications).
Alice took my feedback to heart, shifting how she thought about her students’ responses and how she designed her class assignments and readings. A semester later, she called to say that she had received another round of student evaluations and was elated: the response this time to her teaching was much more positive. She thanked me for the feedback and support that I gave her. As a result of this episode, our relationship strengthened, and new opportunities for professional collaboration opened up.
Giving feedback is one way that we can demonstrate concern and care for others. Taking time to do it so that it lands well can help others in the moment, and it also can foster longer-term connection, respect, and credibility. Inviting collaboration makes all the difference.