Engage and Stretch: How to Get What You Need From People

You’ve been here before. Something needs to be done and you shouldn’t be the one doing it. You have to get someone else to do it. The problem is you don’t know how to ask them in such a way that will be met with their cooperation. You’re not in charge and the task is not a pleasant one.

In the past, you have taken the following approaches with less than favorable results:

• Mr. Nice Guy

“Sorry John, I just wanted to check with you, if it’s not too much trouble do you think you could get me that report by Friday?”

John brushes you off with a weak excuse. He knows he can get away with it, because you are so “nice”.

• Bully

“Hi Susan, please collect $10 from every person on the floor for the team event. Thanks.”

Susan responds defensively or flat out refuses you, in which case you are at an unpleasant standoff.

• Circumvention

“Jerry, I know you said this doesn’t fit under your job duties but I had a word with your manager and she said to go ahead and assign the query to you.”

Jerry is now upset with you for going over his head after he specifically told you that he would not do it.

None of these approaches have succeeded in delivering what you need while still preserving your relationship with the other person. Even worse, you will most likely end up using your own precious time for the task.

So what is the secret to getting what you need from people?

Engage Their Mind

Start by getting the other person to think about the problem. Get them talking about it. Ask open questions. Open questions are questions that cannot be answered with a yes or no. For example:

Closed question: “Can your teammates help you with the compliance form?”
Open question: “Who can help?”

By letting them verbally process, they begin on a journey towards taking on and solving the problem.

Stretch Their Thinking

Get the other party to process how they would not only meet the expectation, but also outrageously exceed it. This will stretch their thinking and make it easier for them to swallow the actual requested task.

For example: if you need someone to terminate one employee, ask them what it would feel like to fire the whole team. This mental exercise works like bargaining – if you want to end up paying a low price, you need to start much lower!

What Does This Look Like?

Let’s see how these two principles play out by using one of the earlier examples:

It is Monday morning and you need your colleague John to prepare a report for you by Friday. His past behavior has indicated that he will not be cooperative. Here’s how you can lead the conversation:

(Open under the assumption that he will cooperate.)

You: “Hey John, remember that report I was telling you about… What do you think about having it done by tomorrow morning?”
John: “What?! That’s impossible!”

(Don’t be scared off by the shock factor. Hang in there and begin to engage his mind. If necessary, add comic relief occasionally to keep the mood light.)

You: “Well, just humor me for a minute. Let’s just say IF you had to finish it by tomorrow morning, how would that happen?”
John: “I would have to stay in the office all night!”

(Continue to engage his mind. The goal here is for him to begin processing the problem and begin to solve it. Ask clarifying questions.)

You: “All night? Really? That’s a bit vague… do you mean by 7am? 4am?”
John: “I would probably be able to gather the data by 5am and finish the report by 8am, but the whole idea is simply ridiculous.”

(Get him to engage further by exploring options.)

You: “Who could help, so that it wouldn’t be as bad? Again, this is just in theory.”
John: “I guess I could ask my assistant to stay up as well.”
You: “What else could you do to lighten the load?”
John: “I could probably save time on the format since it would only be sent internally.”

(Continue for as long as seems appropriate and then move back into reality and lock in a commitment.)

You: “Ok so realistically speaking, when could you get this done?”
John: “I guess by end of day on Wednesday.”
You: “Sounds good to me.”

See what happened here? By processing something even more difficult, John was able to accept the more realistic goal you needed. Why does this work? Because thinking through something is half the battle. And open-ended questions are the trick. Notice the open questions from the dialogue:

“What do you think?”
“How would that happen?”
“Who can help?”
“What else?”

Take these two concepts and practice them in your every day life so that you get used to them. Say you want to meet your friend for an early breakfast at 7am, ask him, “If we meet at 4am, what would the rest of today look like for you?” If you need to borrow $100 from someone, ask, “How difficult would it be to lend me $1,000?”

Next time you need someone to do something, remember to engage their mind and stretch their thinking!